Marriage Jokes | Funny Marriage Quotes

Marriage Jokes

Getting married is one of the important part of one’s life. From this moment your professional life starts with full gloom. Here are marriage jokes you can download free for your friends, family, relatives, siblings and others. There marriage jokes will make you feel happy.  Marriage jokes will make you feel comfortable instead of getting stressed.

Funny Marriage Quotes

• I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.
• During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”
  Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”
• Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”
  Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…
• I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
• Q: Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?      Ans: He baptized one and kept the other as a control..
• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
• My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
• I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
• My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

• When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”
• Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.
• I received an invitation for a wedding. I answered: Maybe next time. Thanks.
• A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
• Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
• Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
  “Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
  “How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
  “Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
• I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
• My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
• Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

• Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
  Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
• Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?
• Me as best man:
  I heard the best man’s speech should last as long as the groom lasts in bed. Thank you very much for your attention. Enjoy the wedding
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
  A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
• For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. “What’s this?” he asked. Guess,” I said coyly. “I have no idea,” he said. “It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster’s cage.
• My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
• My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
• My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

• Son: What’s the difference between love and marriage? Father: Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener.
• A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.
  “It’s not going to work for me,” he said, panicked.
  “Why not?” I asked.
  “Because I use my Guard pay for spending money.”
  “So?”
  “For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!”
• My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of
  the house.
• I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.
• If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
• What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
• I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.
• Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

  Friend: “Why not?”

  Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”